Last First. Last Last.

This past year I haven't been able to help marking the days and months by firsts and lasts. 2025 is the first whole year that my Dad will not be here. Today marks the last time I had the privilege to sit with Dad at home. To look across the room and see him walking towards me. To hear to his voice. Admire the twinkle in his eye. To Listen to his stories and experiences. Admire the cute curl in his hair I love when his locks get a little long. That day replays again and again every day in my mind. I'm so glad I stopped by. I'm so happy I gave him a hug and told him, "I love you". Though still each and every time wishing that I would have hugged him a little tighter and held on a little longer... not knowing then it was my last time embracing him in this life. 

People say the first year is the hardest. I have felt my capacity grow to manage the grief and sadness of missing him. Yet thinking that it's been a year since the last time I've seen Dad and shared the same space with him and that that moment will continually get farther away from the present as time keeps going... that's tough too. 

As I've rotated through all of the stages of grief, I've seen it bring me closer to God. Grief has put me in the place where hope through the Savior and His gift of the atonement and His promises are the most important thing to me. I've said it before, and I say it again, as much as I don't like to admit it... that even in death {I decided I don't like that word because I know he is still living and vibrant somewhere. I love Dad, not loved him. He IS a great man, instead of was a great man. I know him, not knew him.} Dad continues to teach me new things. In my last FB Father's Day post written to and for Dad when he was here, I wrote how he exemplified and gave me a healthy pattern for me to know and love my Heavenly Father. I continue to learn more about Him as I think about Dad. It's not any of the things I hoped or expected he'd teach me this past year. Yet I suppose they are some of the most valuable lessons I could gain. 

Every day I still hear myself thinking, "I want you, Dad! I want you here. I want you with me." 

One day I heard a quiet response; "I never left. I'm still here." 

My knee jerk reaction was a tantrum yelling back to that voice in my mind, "NO! YOU'RE! NOT!!" 

I'm surprised that in my stubborn mood the next little small, humble thought made it through, "But, what if it's true?" 

As I pondered upon this thought now that Dad has become heavenly, my thoughts turned toward our Heavenly Father. I am separated by both in this fleshy tabernacle. Did I mourn this way about the idea of being separated from my Heavenly Father as I feel about being separated from my earthly father? If so, I'm glad the veil wiped that out. ;) Yet as I think of that, I would choose to take this pain in remembering Dad rather than be ignorant of those years of memories and be without this sadness. "Tears are the price we pay for love." As is common with my blogposts... I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, pondering upon the similarities of my dad in heaven and my Heavenly Father.

Why must we be separated? What can I learn? What does this pattern teach me? If His physical presence was always before us, we would take it for granted. I would not do the personal and spiritual work it requires to seek His face. Since I am not currently able to physically see Dad's face, or Heavenly Father's, there is something that pushes me to learn more of them - from something higher - when all that I have of them is what has been recorded. To know God I look to the records of prophets in the scriptures and those who lead us still. What an incredible gift! Now that I can’t physically be with Dad now every written word, picture, and video has become much more prized, sacred, and holy. 

* I told a friend a couple of days ago that I am now a collector of memories. If you are reading this and you know my Dad, I would LOVE to have a record of your memories of my Dad. Please send them my way to add to my collection. TIA! Okay, back to my musings. 

Since I no longer get to see Dad's face, I have become much more dedicated to seeking and searching to spiritually fill that gap left from the void of his absence. People pass out of this world to be forgotten by many... yet not by those who truly love them and wish to keep them alive through their own actions and their deeds; That through our lives, we can become a living memory and legacy to the person who has passed on beyond the veil. 

When we have someone physically present before us, we always think that there will be time and another opportunity to ask them questions, to seek their wisdom. The character of the natural man is to always put off and procrastinate what can be done today until tomorrow. When the realization comes that we can no longer see them face to face, our efforts and our attention turn to seeking their faces spiritually and connecting to that realm where we know that they still exist, but we haven’t yet entered into ourselves. It pushes us to sharpen our spiritual senses to see those things that can’t be seen with our physical senses; to hear those things that can’t be heard with our mortal ears. Why is this so important? I don’t know fully yet, but I am learning this pattern of holy and divine learning is made evident in the life of our Savior. He is not always present before us, but that does not mean that He is not always with us. He is with us whenever we remember Him. He is with us when we speak of Him. He is with us whenever we seek Him through his prophets and through his recorded word and through them on those special occasions when He truly does appear to those who believe Him, remember Him and continually seek His will in this life.

Because I don't get to see Dad now, I give many of my thoughts and my efforts to remembering him; to remembering the things that he taught to the things that he stood for to the things that he loved and the things that he enjoyed; looking for him in all the things I encounter and experience. Doing my best to care about the things I know are most important to him. It’s not the same, but I’m finding that as I remember Dad, and as I remember both of my heavenly Fathers, neither one of them are truly gone from me in this world. Not really when we were all spiritual beings before we became physical ones and so much of this life is about learning to let the spiritual part of us rule the physical part of us until the day when we are all glorious resurrected beings together again. But that next time it will for always and eternity - forever.

We learn to be and to do so much more when the one who can do it all is no longer there to do it for us. Instead I learn through many ways {mostly clumsy trial and error} to become my own problem solver. It hard. It’s difficult. I yell out in frustration. But He’s never very far. I feel their help. And I hear Him as I sharpen those spiritual senses and await those answers in regular every day acts. It's a real effort of intent and energy. But it’s worth it. 

I was thinking of how God can make masterpieces out of messes. With all the mass of individual choices and personal agency that He is dealing with in us {it seriously boggles my mind - my limited brain just can’t compute it} how’s He’s orchestrating so much good in the lives of individuals, especially as He brings them together to love, support and {yes, even} mourn with one another. How so many things that fall apart in our view often times lead to better and greater opportunities and miracles. 

I have been blessed to see His hand in my life and in the lives of others. I see His love. I see His attention. I feel the healing only He can give. That through Him heartbreak and darkness have an end. It’s hard to see or even to acknowledge that when I'm in the depths of despair {I borrowed that from Anne of Green Gables :) ) and the darkness is so thick we can’t see the light. Maybe though it's only dark because I’ve been to squeezing my eyes shut to hide. But there must be a purpose to it. All encounter it. 

In my last Father’s Day letter to Dad now in heaven, I wrote how I wondered how any future could make up for the time and opportunities I’ve felt have been stolen from me here. There are two quotes that have helped me to think less myopic and more eternally:

“All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty - I have seen it.” Joseph Smith

“[Mortals] say of some temporal suffering, ‘no future bliss can make up for it,’ not knowing that heaven once attained will work backwards and turn even that agony into glory… The blessed will say, ‘We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven.’”

C.S. Lewis 

Believing and hoping in these promises gives me hope. I know God can do what He says and that He always makes good on all His promises. I’m so glad I know Him, and that He is my Father. That He is all powerful and all loving. 

I await that day of reunion with great anticipation. But, while trying not to get in a hurry. :p

I still struggle every day imagining the rest of this life without you, Dad. But I’m learning that I can focus on one day at a time and I am doing my best to remember you, infusing my life with your memory and living up to all the good you are. I focus on Christ's promises and the ways I can find you in each day. 

I love my dad. I will always miss him. I know that though I say and feel, "I've lost my dad," that really he isn't far away, and he most definitely is not even lost. I KNOW that's not the wishful thinking of a broken heart, but a witnessed reality. I can't wait to hear the stories he will tell me of things that he's been called to do since he left. Sometimes I imagine what his current mission might be and think of ways I can be his companion working with him from this side of the veil. It brings me a piece of purpose and joy. 

The Family Piano

 I like new things. Who doesn't, right?! But even better then getting to be the first to use something and break it in, is something old with an amazing story and getting the opportunity to add on to the legacy. 

I have been wanting a piano. I play well enough for my own enjoyment and that's pretty much it. With Christmas coming I have hinted a couple times that I would like a piano to play. Nothing fancy. Christopher has told me before that he used to have a piano. He inherited from his mom. Who inherited it from her mom... who inherited it from her mom (is there supposed to be another generation?) who brought it across the plains in a covered wagon. It survived that, a fire, and even has a war wound from an arrow.

Quite the adventurous story for a piano! 

Life circumstances brought Christopher to a place where he didn't have a place for the piano. Heartsick he sold the piano to a friends boss. He hated to do it and made them promise that if they ever decided they didn't want the piano to him to let him know. For weeks and months afterwards he was sick about it. Years passed and the regret never left. Especially when I came along wanting a piano. 

We spoke again of his piano just 3 mornings ago after yet another one of my not so subtle hints 😉Yesterday Christopher was looking at pianos with the intent to surprise me (Isn't he the best? He's the sweetest!). We didn't know that we'd BOTH get a miraculous surprise. His friend called him out of the blue that afternoon. "Do you still want your piano?" She had seen the piano listed on Facebook by the daughter of her boss. Christopher's heart started pounding and racing. His friend reached out to the daughter. The piano was had been moved outside (in the snow) under a carport with an appointment for someone else to pick it up within a couple of hours. Christopher's friend reminded the daughter of the agreement made many years ago. She was not to give or sell that piano to anyone else.

See!? Miracles? 2 hours, 1 hour, maybe even 30 minutes later the piano would have been gone and lost to Christopher forever. We are grateful for good friends and incredible timing!! 

Christopher called piano movers thinking that the soonest they could come would be the next day (today) They were booked today... but could do it right then! Even better! Tender mercies. 

We have a piano!! It has a story. It has a legacy. I'm honored that I now get to be a part of it. Speaking of this experience Christopher said, "It's a real blessing. I mean a REAL BLESSING!" Christopher's family piano is back in the family. I have a piano to play. Though it is in desperate need of some TLC and a good tuning, I am so excited. This is incredible! Christopher lost both of his parents within a year and this will be his first Christmas without both of them. It's a tough thing that I don't yet understand (thankfully). I feel with this little miracle of bringing his family piano back to Christopher is that perhaps a miraculous acknowledgement of them and their love from the other side. 

This year has been difficult and corona sure has messed up a lot of stuff on a scale from merely annoying to heart wrenching tragedies. Regardless, the miracles, tender mercies and blessings are here. I was bound and determined to make 2020 a good year, and when all the *ahem* hit the fan I still had high hopes for this year. So while I chuckle at lots of memes and garbage dumpster ornaments commemorating the 2020 as a trash year, I am grateful for this year. I'm not a hater of 2020. The ways we have learned, grown and been able to find the good in the bad. Christopher and I have been beyond blessed in so many ways. I am grateful for each and every one of those blessings and for the ability to recognize as many as I have as I'm sure there's more. As I look back on 2020 (as they say hindsight is 20/20) I'm sure I'll find many more. 

Tres 💕

My gift to Christopher this morning 💘

Hey! Thanks for stopping by 😄 How's it going? Us, we're just celebrating our anniversary!! :D Well, kinda... the store's still open in West so ... yeah. But! No matter how far apart we are we are still together. And a work errand took us to Billings yesterday so at least we got to be together for a whole day! 😉

It is three years, and we got married on 10/4 which is National Taco Day (coincidence?? We sure didn't plan it that way but it's perfect!) As I was reminiscing about our first three years together I couldn't help but think of tres leches cake... and do foresee that as being a part of our celebration when we get there in a month 🤤 I digress... Let me proceed with my 3 year ----

It does get better! (Not that it was ever bad - just you know good gets better [at least that's the hope]) The past 6 months have been tough as we have been living in two different cities. He’s only made it home a handful of times and I go up to West Yellowstone once every week to week and a half for one to two nights. 

I openly admit I was scared and worried that 4th day of October in 2017. Christopher and I are different in so many ways. I had spent my 30 years prior to Christopher as a single hopeless romantic awaiting my own romance season worthy of any Jane Austen novel. Or at least a Disney Princess moment. Yet at the same time I struggled believing that anyone could love me and also could never size any one up good enough to be the one I would be okay with being always associated with by other people (… maybe that only makes sense in my head?) Also this was not just something that I could return to Target if I got it home and decided I didn’t like it or it wasn’t working out the way I planned. NO take backs! Even though marrying him was what was terrifying me, it was him I wanted to run to for comfort. So that makes sense. 🤪

Some things I love about being married to Mr. Balmer {Side story - I started calling him Mr. Balmer early on... can you guess as a nod to my Austen fantasies 😂. It sounded very formal to everyone who happened to hear (even Chris), but it was my own little secret first pet name for him 😌}

Christopher is always the first to apologize. Seriously one of my favorite things about us…or Him ;) He supports me in anything and everything. He's a dreamer. He works hard to make those dreams happen. He believes BIG! He values and praises my beliefs and strengths. I see what he does to add to my happiness. He loves to spoil me. He tells me I’m pretty (I know! I’m amazed too). He encourages me to do things that scare me. Even on his frenzied days at the store (which is often) he NEVER forgets to tell me that he loves me before hanging up the phone on each of our calls throughout the day while we are apart (and that's saying something! Anyone else married to their co-worker/business partner??) He never leaves me to question how much he adores me. 

I love him and I am so grateful for every year, every day, every moment we are each other’s. 

Brazil!!

This was my second time on this workshop.

Though we visited the same places it felt different.

One of our first stops upon our arrival in Foz do Iguacu (that is after our much anticipated stop at our favorite Brazilian churrascaria restaurant) is Marco Das Tres Fronteiras, or landmark of the 3 Frontiers. This is the Triple Frontier where at the convergence of the rivers Iguazu and Panama you can see from standing on Brazil Argentina on the right and Paraguay on the left.

The next stop is a most spectacular sight! Iguazu Falls! This place is incredible! Iguazu is the largest waterfall system in the world stretching for 1.7 miles. It truly is an extraordinary sight to see!! I loved photographing the falls though I truly don’t know if any image can really do it justice. That doesn’t stop me from trying We viewed the falls from the walkway on land and then from the water level from a boat - SO much fun!! I was so excited to see the falls again. Both times were amazing. On our first trip we arrived after there had been a lot of rain. Because of this the falls had TONS of water. And was brown… this time though the water levels were significantly less the water color was a whole lot more photogenic (in my opinion )

Though the falls are an absolute must do when in Brazil, our draw to Brazil are the JAGUARS! Our journey to the Land of the Jaguars requires a long dusty drive that is an experience all on it’s own as we cross 123 bridges.

It is HOT and sunny in Jaguar Land. So don’t forget your hat! (I did Good thing I have the best husband in the world who loves me as proven by his offering to me of his favorite Nikon hat in the world) or sunscreen (I didn’t after the first ride… and paid the uncomfortable price after failing to apply it )

We have 2 daily safaris by boat. We arise early in the morning (4am) so we can be ready and fed as early as possible to go find the kitties. We leave at sunrise. Always beautiful sunrises on the Pantanal! There is a soft floral 🌸fragrance that floats through the air as we scoured the banks for jaguars. I noticed it my frist trip too.

While on the lookout for jaguars I practiced my “drive by shootings” 📷on birds, caimans, and whatever else. We saw LOTS of birds. I thought to myself that if I can practice getting well composed and good shots while we moving then that would just improve my success rate when we were stopped. Shooting from a boat takes skills!

We come back to the lodge to rest while the heat of the day is at it’s worst (so grateful for A/C!!) and to eat lunch. The lodge feeds us really well before, between, and after every outing. Every meal has rice and beans along with a fish, beef, and chicken entree and multiple sides of vegetables and pastas. And can’t forget dessert! Even breakfast always had a cake option. Who am I to say cake isn’t for breakfast?! (Pretty sure I gained 5-6 pounds on this trip Worth it )

Our second safari of the day goes out at 2:30 and we stay out until sunset. If the sunrises here are beautiful the sunsets are exquisite!! This could easily be my favorite part of the day - riding back to the lodge and watching as the sun lights up the clouds and sky in purples, blues, pinks, and orange hues.

We saw 17!! jaguars this trip.

In addition we also sighted Tapirs!! This is the third trip we have taken (between Christopher and I) and the first time we have seen these odd elusive mammals. They look like wild pigs with an ant eater snout or short elephant trunk. Surprisingly a quick google search taught us they are most closely related to rhinos and horses. Who’d have guessed?

Another favorite to visitors of the Pantanal are the Giant River Otters. They play, catch fish and ravenously eat their fish. I find them interesting… and disgusting As opposed to the super adorable I-might-want-to-cuddle-it otters that we see in Alaska, these otters look like huge weasels.

There are caiman hiding everywhere in the waters as well. The water here is very muddy. I am curious and a little terrified at what we would see if we could peer into the world under the surface.

After the jaguar my next favorite animal here to observe would be the capybara. They are the largest living rodent on earth growing to 4 feet in length and weighing up to 140 pounds . They are semi-aquatic and eat lots of grass. They wander the grounds of the lodge and we often see them cooling off in the water during our boat rides.

We had an excellent time and enjoyed all that we experience. And until next time Brazil - I will dream of whatever these are that I crave when I'm back home...

2 Years!

Happy 2 years to the man who makes my dreams come true, loves me through my quirks, and is incredibly in tune with my feelings (kind of annoying sometimes 😉) I'm still so happy we chose each other ❤️

Thank you Steven for the recent photo shoot!!!