Happy Like Lehi

This is a post I started June 21, 2015 - now over 2 years ago... It's been living in the drafts of my blog. I thought that it deserved to be finished. I am sad that I didn't finish it as the passion and inspiration that began the entry have somewhat disappeared with time and negligence. I will do my best to finish what was started: 


Yesterday was my birthday. YAY!! I'm old(er) now.... Yay?... :o ;)

Truly - I like my birthday. It's a day about me and marking my time of making the world a better place just by being birthed (Shout out to my Mamma! Thanks, Ma!) And instead of looking at it as another year I will never get back and farther away from my youth, I have decided to change my perspective that another year older is another year down - another year closer to the next phase of life, which I hear is even better than this one. :)

Yet... at the same time. I'm 29. You know the days of youth when you would write down lists of the things you wanted to achieve and the person you wanted to become? Yeah, well... that hasn't worked out for me [yet]. Life has been one surprise right after another. Without mentioning any specific experience(s) I thought I would have experienced by now, I am tempted to dislike my life because I feel like a failure in those regards. I remind myself daily to not compare my position in life with that of others. That even when I think that I am on plan 'T,' I am still on God's 'Plan A' for my life.

It's at moments like these that the scriptures really add perspective to my life. There's a reason God wants us to read them frequently... like every day :)

A few months into my mission I had started reading the Book of Mormon from the beginning again. I was in the 2nd chapter of the 1st book. God is talking to Lehi in verse 2 and is telling Lehi how blessed he is for being faithful and obedient in declaring repentance his people. Those blessings are those same people were now attempting to kill him.

I think we (or am I alone here?) fail to notice how awesome Lehi is. Probably because it's Nephi's book and we get caught up in his stud-liness that we overlook the old guy that is Nephi's father.

Ooh, which reminds me, I left you with a teaser last week. In 1st Nephi, chapter 2, v. 1, the Lord came to Lehi and said, "Blessed art thou Lehi, because" and then it says thanks for obeying my commandments and ends with and others want to "take away your life". Say wha?! All in the same sentence! I'm blessed because people want to kill me?? Lehi is a great man to learn from. The Lord says, Lehi, go and teach this people to repent. He does it. The people hate it, and then hate on Lehi. But, Lehi's blessed and people want to take his life. Then the Lord comes to Lehi again and tells him to leave his home, his job, his house... everything he knows to go out and live in the wilderness for who knows how long. Talk about hard. So because Lehi is blessed, people want to kill him, he has to leave his home and money, and his sons hate him. Sweet. But what does Lehi do?? 1 Ne. 2:7. He builds an altar and gives thanks to the Lord. Yep. I need to be more like Lehi. Most definitely!! Look up 2 Cor. 12:9. Glory in infirmities. Talk about changing your perspective about hard times. 


That's it... where was I going with this? Before my mid-entry tangent and life hindrance. I remember that a couple days prior to beginning this entry I had a conversation about our beliefs with a friend who is not LDS but falls beneath the Christian umbrella. He told me that though we disagreed, he had a high level of respect for me - even if my beliefs were "kooky". {Mmm... I like cookies... FOCUS KATIE!} I remember feeling complimented that day because he called me "kooky", and I thought that it made me a little bit like Lehi. His family thought he was a little crazy, and he accepted it (1 Nephi 5:1-4). I mean, who wouldn't want to be like the person who can find it in himself to be give thanks and be joyous in the midst of trial, tribulation and the all around hated facing the unknown? He chose to look up and see what God saw, rather than allowing himself to be hindered like so many of us with short sighted-ness.

Yep, I think being happy like Lehi is a worthy goal indeed! 

Perspective 31

Turning 31 has definitely been harder than turning 30. Why? Getting kicked out of the singles ward, or to be ‘politically’ correct - being ‘invited to leave’ the singles ward has had a huge impact. I no longer feel I am wanted or feel like I belong. That’s me. It’s nothing to do with others. I just plain feel ashamed or embarrassed that I've failed in a few things in life. 

I knew it was coming. To be completely honest I’ve had very little to do with the YSA since returning home from my mission. My friends were gone, I had little time to make more friends, and now I felt old compared to the ward. I had a hard time feeling like I connected with the majority of the ward members. My busy schedule made it hard for me to attend activities. When I did attend I felt that rift. Self-imposed? Sure, I’ll take the blame. Nothing but excuses. I can openly admit my weaknesses. Relationships are 2 ways and I didn't do my part. I eventually gave up all together in the two years since my RM status. I simply went to church, took the sacrament, sat, learned, contributed comments in class, fulfilled my calling(s) and left. It was my place to go on Sunday with people who I didn't grow up with and happened to be single, just like me. I at least belonged in that one aspect. 

I knew my departure would take place and in a way I was ready for it. Yet at the same time it brought a strong sorrow and depression into my heart and mind that surprised me. I felt like I have failed in attaining the great Mormon directive and dream - Get married to a good man in the temple for time and eternity and start making a family. Easy!…ier said then done. My Bishop telling me during his ‘invitation’ to leave talk days before my birthday (they couldn’t wait to get the almost 31 year old riff raff out of that building) that he “understood” did not help one iota. I had no idea that a 40 something year old man who married a former mission companion’s sister could empathize so perfectly with a 31 year old female who has never had the opportunity to marry up to this point in life… Just a reminder to myself when I am in that kind of situation that instead of faking it, own up to my ignorance. That is far less demeaning to the person who is struggling. Sympathize, don't pretend to empathize. 

This is one of the great trials of life - being single that is. My life has turned out nothing like I supposed or imagined or hoped. In the big stuff - like finding a companion to share life with. I don’t care that I changed my major 3 times during my university years, or that I am not driving a green car, or going on a mission when I didn’t plan to or that I ended up in Ravenclaw instead of Gryfinndor… oh wait… never mind. 

One of the greatest blessings of my mission was how it changed my perspective on life. Going on a mission I knew before where I was going, how long I would be there, and that it was going to be character building, aka “tough” ;) General stuff. I didn’t know details - the people I’d serve with, the callings I would hold, the wards I would serve, the people I would teach. Though I knew how long I would be there, it didn’t help me feeling like those 18 months were going to be what made up the rest of my life during the tough times. Yet the details - Jamie, Sister Atkinson, Karen, etc - made it so much more enjoyable and worth it. 

Before coming to this earth I knew the general stuff - I was coming here to be tested and tried for about 1 day (now at least 32 years) to 100 years. The details - my family, growing up in Rexburg, etc - have made it enjoyable. Yet there are trials - the tough, character building stuff - that make it seem like this is it. 

I know I’m getting wordy in trying to explain myself… Let me try to bring it in for you. Being on my mission there were days I thought my mission was all there had ever been, was and would be. With a perspective like that it was easy to get down hearted, depressed, miserable, gloomy and grouchy. Yet I knew despite my dismal self that there would be an end, I would get to see my happy details (family :) ) again, I would get to return back to Rexburg (I know that doesn’t sound exciting to some… but now that I’ve seen and lived other places, I really love my hometown), my big comfy bed, I would get to go places alone, I would get to be with my DSLR again, and get to choose a different schedule in my life one day. Hurray! Being reunited with my family and imagining that moment gave me peace, comfort and hope. Those 18 months weren’t going to last forever. I just needed to buck up and give the very best I could offer at that moment and enjoy the mission details while I could. Because one day this blessing of a mission would only be a memory I would look back on, and I wanted as few regrets as possible. 

Likewise, this time on earth has purpose and it has an end. And even though I don’t get what I want when I want how I want it - It’ll be okay. Because I am Heavenly Father’s child. He has a purpose and plan for me. (I sometimes wonder if he does… yet my testimony that he does was born out of seeing His hand in so many of the live’s of those I taught during my mission [Silly how it’s easier for us to recognize God’s hands in the lives of others than it is to recognize it in our own at times].) This life isn’t all there is and there is still plenty of time for good things, even great things to happen! Having a vision of my reunion with Heavenly Father after this life gives me the strength to not give so much acknowledgement, worry, concern and anxiety attacks during the character building of this life. A vision of greater things to come gives me perspective of life now. At the end of this life, I still want to have as few regrets as possible. 

As a missionary, I was on average 5-7 years older than the rest of the missionaries I served with, also giving me a different perspective. I had already lived a ‘real life’ after high school and college before starting out on my mission adventure. I’ve heard many missionaries report that their mission was the hardest thing they have ever done up to that point in their life. It wasn’t so with me. It was hard, but life is hard. It was hard in a different way. I didn’t have to worry about gas, utilities, dating, etc. In a way missionary life was a breeze! In a way, not every way :) 

No matter who you are or where you are there are times we feel we’ve been dealt the losing hand or we may even think to God, ‘when it gets too quiet up there, You say to Yourself, "What kind of mischief can I play on My friend ___(insert your name here___?” (Gotta love Tevye!) We all have aspirations, goals, and ambitions in life, whether large or small. When those expectations aren’t met we automatically think we’ve been jilted or forgotten. This is not the case. It’s … life. Just life. And it won’t last forever. It’s just something we have to get through, and we will. Even if we struggle. There is no person who is free from life and caring about something in it. We may have different life expectations and experiences, therefore different trials. Everyone struggles differently. That is why we have the tender mercies of the happy details. A day resting in the sun, listening to the laughter of children, and so much more. Where am I going to allow the weight of my daily joy of life to rest - upon the details or the trials?

(On a side note - I once tested the theory that if I could get rid of all my expectations, I would have no disappointments, and therefore have more happiness. I don’t recommend this method… It leads to another kind of melancholy sorrow. It’s finding that balance of having expectations and continuing to hope and persevere through what we view as a set back or unanswered prayers in our limited perspective.)

This in no way effects my testimony of the true and living church. I still want to go to church, I just don’t feel like I belong in any ward right now. It’s just tough. And that’s okay. I’ll build character. I’ll be able to honestly empathize with others who may face this in their life. It may take me awhile, but I’ll figure it out and make it through. Which will give me knowledge, experience and strength to one day hopefully strengthen others. I’ll gain courage to attend once again the ward of my youth as an adult. (Cries.) This is just a little pebble. I know so many who suffer so much more. A special thanks to Christopher who knows how important this part of my life is and gave me a little pep talk reminding me of what is and isn’t important, encouraging me to go despite the stoopid feelings I have inside. That’s a real friend.

I will never allow a dumb, non-eternal church policy to destroy my love of true eternal doctrine and the testimony I have worked many years to build. I’ll look back on this time one day and know that I gave my best that I could offer at that time. My best this week will be different from my best last week and my best next week. But I’ll always offer my best.