This is an unfinished blog post from oh... 3 months ago :o
Lately I have been feeling major shrinkage. Unfortunately not physically due to my hours at the gym (The fight to not eat myself out of the work I put in at the gym is real...). The best way I can think to describe it is that I not only feel myself diminishing emotionally, spiritually, mentally and socially, I am seeing the result in my attitude and relationships. It's not something I was happy to realize. I spent many years creating myself (we do not find ourselves, we create ourselves) and I kinda liked the strengths that had replaced some of my weaknesses. Now I'm missing them.
I've been taught that depression is a lack of expression. With a busy and changing life I have neglected the things that have made me, me. Negligence starts in one area and before I know it, the effects snowball into all areas of my life. :'o
On a happy note, if an ignored simple adjustment started me in a downward spiral, then a simple realignment can get me back on track! I just have to be mindful about it.
A few days ago in church our teacher began her lesson by asking to write down some of the things we have learned in life.
These are in no particular order:
1. Never act out of spite
2. Resentments are dumb - don't hold them.
3. Don't take anything personally
4. Always do and give MY best
5. Take initiative. Don't wait.
6. Assume the positive.
7. Be kind - Always.
8. Own my actions. Don't blame others.
9. Forget comparing and judging.
10. Make important decisions in faith based on knowledge, not doubts.
Each one of these "Katie Rules" came about because of what I would label as a defining moment. None of these moments were huge in the moment. Only simple thoughts which crossed my mind when I most teachable.
Below I will recount the simple instances of which each of these small realizations changed the track of my life. They have become my daily mantras to keep me looking in the right direction when there are so many experiences each and every day that tug at me, wanting my attention.
Feel free to read on, or just skip it all together! You know how I can blab on when I think I have an audience. ;) Either way, I would LOVE it if in the comments you would leave your personal rules or defining moments. I love learning from you too!
1. Never act out of spite
This story first learned in my adolescence is admittedly kind of (super) silly. Yet I am SO grateful that this was one of my first "Katie Rules" long before I started calling them that.
It was my freshman year of high school. I had a big desire to attend one of the football games. (Seriously, I know. SO NOT me. But... I wanted to try to make friends... and there was a cute boy or two I hoped to watch in their uniforms. Can you blame me?!) My mom quickly shut me down over the phone. I became upset and fear fueled my emotions. How was I ever going to make friends? How was I going to be cool? How was I ever going to see the boy of my dreams? I was angry at my mom for cutting me off to something so important to me. I started to think of ways that I could disappoint her because she had disappointed me! Ugh!
This is the funny part - the worst thing I could think of to punish my mom for this injustice was to dye my hair black. Whooo! So bad! ;) Yep! I was just going to become a goth that my mom wouldn't understand and be ashamed of. Haha! I laugh just thinking about it. {Never mind how I was even going to make that happen when I couldn't even get to a football game ;)}
Then the simple thought came through my mind, "If you do this to make Mom mad, you would also make God unhappy." That's it. Just simple. {And really, we know that God's only going to be unhappy because he knows it's going to make US unhappy and miserable once we start down that road. }
In that moment I learned forever, to never do anything out of spite. It will only end up hurting myself.
2. Resentments are dumb - don't hold them.
One of the things I learned on my LDS mission while being 24/7 with the same person is that resentments can grow very quickly if I am not on constant guard. I am persuaded that this is one of the adversary's top tools to bring relationships to quick deterioration. Great idea! Only one person needs to be effected, then they'll pave an unknown amount of destruction on their own!
One of my companions early on in my mission was very quiet and rarely spoke. You'd think this could be a blessing! As much as I tried, I couldn't get her to carry on a conversation. She gave short answers and twirled her hair, seemingly oblivious to the world around her. There was a lot of quiet time for my imagination to run wild, filling the void with what I thought she was really thinking - She hated me. She thought I was a bad person. She didn't like me. She thought my decisions of our daily activities were wrong. Why else wouldn't you talk to someone you had to be with all day, every day?
Because of these thoughts that I began believing I started to resent her. If she didn't like me, then I didn't like her either! These strong thoughts lead to powerful emotions that continued to weaken our companionship. Again - just a simple moment with a simple more powerful thought entered into my mind - "Katie! This is ALL in your head! You have never talked to her about this, let alone spoken aloud about this (because, you know, things just sound so much more ridiculous when you actually say it verbally). How do you know that it is even real?? Are your feelings justified?"
I came to the conclusion that I have absolutely zero right to hang on to a resentment about someone if I am unwilling to discuss my feelings with them openly in a non-blaming manner. Because if I don't, I have no way to know if what I am feeling is based on any kind of truth (they usually aren't).
I'm grateful I learned this early in my mission, because it was a pattern I would see repeated with almost every companion. It allowed me to be aware and watch out for it so I would recognize when to slap those thoughts down early on with a metaphorical beating!
3. Don't take anything personally
Come with me to college now :) In my business class I had spent the first couple weeks sitting next to a boy I thought was cute and funny. Two of my favorite things!! We talked and laughed every day we sat in class. I thought it was way beyond the point of when he should have asked me out. On the day I had decided I would be bold and ask him out he surprised me (!) by inviting me over to his apartment that evening for a fire with his roommates. Oh! I was SO happy and excited!
That evening I prepared myself to look and smell so good (teen girl squad voice). I got in my car, drove up to his apartment house and knocked boldly on his door at the designated time. One of his roommates answered the door. I asked if my future boyfriend (I used his name, not that term. Don't worry ;) ) was there. His roommate looked confused, scratched his head, looked around, then finally looked back with a pitying look and told me he wasn't. My rare confidence had quickly faded and I felt 2 inches tall. If you knew me then, you know how shy and timid I was, especially when it came to dealing with the opposite sex. Embarrassed I told him thank you and ran back to my car and drove home.
I wanted to be angry. I was hurt and humiliated. This kid didn't even have the courtesy to call me up to tell me plans had changed, he got stuck somewhere... yadda yadda, excuses excuses. Before this experience I would have been tempted to think that because he had forgotten me that I was a nobody. Because he placed so little value on me, that that must be what I was worth.
Instead once I got home I changed into some comfortable sweats and jumped on my bike for a ride - something I have always loved. I knew somehow that his lack of respect for me wasn't a manifestation of my worth, but rather a reflection of him and who he is. I didn't have to take his treatment or forgetfulness of me personally. I didn't even have to get bent out of shape. It just was what it was.
The following Monday I knew I would see him again. I had the choice to treat him as someone who had offended me and wasted my time (and perfume... well, I guess it's okay to smell good all the time ;) ) or.. not. On Monday I greeted him like I usually did. I don't think it was until that moment that he realized his social faux pas. He made his excuses and I quickly forgave him. We remained friends. Though I never cared if he asked me out again :) I knew that he was not the kind of man I wanted to date.
4. Always do and give MY best
After graduating from college I worked and danced around in many jobs to support my other job of portrait photography. One of the jobs I passed through was working at a dry cleaners. Not the most glamorous job. But the girls there were fun to talk to and I even got a mini facial about every 3 minutes as I pressed hundreds of suit pants each day.
I was working away in my back corner when I heard one of the ladies greet a customer. After the customer left, this woman commented to another worker that should not have said "Hi" to the guy because he didn't deserve her kindness.
I considered that for a moment. I didn't know the person she was speaking about. He could have been a real slime ball. Yet it's not our call to judge, but rather to love. Do we not always deserve to give the best to others because we owe it to
ourselves and to our
character to give others the benefit of the doubt?
We deserve to always give our best. Not because those around always deserve it, but because we owe it to ourself to always offer our best. Like in non-future husband's example above - our actions are not a reflection of those around us, just ourselves.
5. Take initiative. Don't wait.
This one is simple - so simple. No long story here! I overheard someone I highly respected say simply that in her household they were taught to take the initiative. If you see something that needs to be done - just do it. We don't need to wait for someone else to do it. Using the excuses of "I did it last time" or "I don't know how" or "I didn't make the mess" or any other variance is just a waste of time. Take an extra moment, learn something new and make things happen!
6. Assume the positive.
This one isn't so much my own story. It's more of Sheri Dew's. In one of her books she recounted the experience of when she had reacted harshly to one of her counselors. This counselor took no offense. Rather the next day she stopped by Sheri's with a treat and a kind word. She showed love and concern. Sheri apologized and admitted her outburst was out of other frustrations.
I thought at that moment I thought to myself, "I want to be that person. Someone who can assume positively and give others the benefit of the doubt". This one is definitely a work in progress for me.
7. Be kind - Always.
I think bringing in together 1, 2, 3, and 4 "Katie Rules" just automatically creates another one.
Often my instinctive reaction when I feel that I have been wronged or hurt is blame others, to get angry, or to hurt them back. I'm not very physically tough so my method would be sharp retorts of the tongue meant to wound the spirit. Something that can be far more damaging with longer effects.
I once read in a book by Kerry Blair, "Words spoken in haste are often lamented in leisure". It is a good reminder to hold my tongue when my passions are flared. I don't like regrets and if I have fewer words and actions to regret later - all the better :)
I've thought to myself that I want to always be kind, even if at the moment I don't feel like it or feel that others 'deserve' it. I have never once regretted kindness, no matter the circumstance. But I have often regretted rudeness in the quiet moments of self reflection.
8. Own my actions. Don't blame others.
I was a pharmaceutical technician for about a year during one of my multiplicity of jobs after college. I worked with a woman who was quick to take ownership for her mistakes. I loved that! Up to this point in my life (and still now) it is a very rare characteristic to find in others. Someone who will step up and claim their own fallacy with boldness and confidence. She didn't fear embarrassment or shame at admitting her blunders. Yet because she was quick to judge her own faults, she was able to become better. It was never in a self defeating way - she saw her mistake and quickly made changes to fix the problem.
Imagine what a better world it would be- in work and in relationships - if more would adopt this characteristic - That instead of looking around to find who or what we can blame, we take a good look at ourself. That will fix far more issues than blaming. There's not much we can do to change those around us. However, we there's a whole lot we can change in ourselves.
9. Forget comparing and judging.
What girl doesn't compare and judge herself by measuring herself up to her peers? I've come to realize that comparing myself to others only brings me stress, anxiety, and despair. Once I realized that we tend to compare our worst with other's best, or the full story of our life with the glimpses and assumptions we make of others - our comparisons are lousy at best.
10. Make important decisions in faith based on knowledge, not doubts.
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| China - May 2017 |
We can doubt as long as the day is long. There will never be a shortage of doubts. Often times I've been tempted to take the easy out. Easy being making choices based on what I can see, what I know and are within my comfort zone.
I have missed out on multiple experiences and relationships because I was making choices based on my present knowledge and doubts.
So many experiences have taught me to "feel the fear and do it anyway"-as they say - like my decision to travel to Guam alone (just traveled alone, I wasn't alone there :) ), a decision to serve a mission, and eventually the decision to marry Christopher along with tons of others.
There will be many unknowns throughout life that will continuously persuade us to shrink back.
I don't want to miss out on something wonderful just because I don't have all the answers right now. I choose to move forward making choices with what I DO know.
I know that God lives. And I do know that he wants all of us to live with him again one day. And most of all, I know that if I make mistakes in this life, God miraculously, lovingly and mercifully can turn my missteps to good and benefit as I continue to look to Him.
