Throwing Away My List

In looking forward with anticipation for THE one in my life, I like many others, made a list of the qualities of the man for me. One part excitement, another part #goals, another part - don’t settle for anything less than what I want, right? 

Years and many boys passed, right on by without giving me a second glance I might add, let alone pausing for a moment to see how awesome I am. I was (am) a shy person scared silly with putting myself out there. I was a huge fan of the belief that “if a boy wants it, he knows how to get it... or at least pick up the phone and start the process”. 

Then! Boys starting paying attention to me! This was brand new! What do I do? I didn’t have enough time in my schedule to fit them all in! I know I know, even with my high opinion of myself (in my quiet moments of self talk empowerment moments) I never imagined this! 

But.. they didn’t match my list. They weren’t what I had written down. I remember reading my sister-in-law’s list and asking dubiously, “You wrote this BEFORE you met my brother? Because this is him to a ‘T’ ". She confirmed that she had - and when it fit she knew she had found her one. Validation. This is how it worked! 

So I kept plugging on through life with my list. I adjusted it often as I ‘matured’- took off some petty peeves there (but really, I DON’T like flip flops on men 🤪, but off it came), added some spiritual characteristics there. More time went by and I eventually rethought and revamped the list. I whittled it down to only 3 items. Ta-duh!! Someone HAD to meet that criteria, right? Right?! 

And they did! ... but then they didn’t like me back. Now I was being compared to their lists! And I wasn’t measuring up. 

What’s a girl to do? 

I went on a mission. I’d always thought of it but wanted to get married more. Welp! Marriage wasn’t happening and I was only getting older - so I went in - and gave it my all as best I could. It was LOVELY. Not having to worry about boys. They were all around me - too young and too off limits that it never concerned me. 

Those 18 months ended. And I was back in the game! And felt the lousiest at playing than I ever had. I didn't like this game. There were even a couple who were amazing in so many ways. But I didn't feel any 'spark' for them. 😔

Then I got a new job. I thought, "Wow, this boss of mine is so great! He’s seriously got the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met." That was that. We were both pretty much alone. At this stage in my life I only wasn’t just man-less, I was also mostly friendless.

Loneliness hurts. I remember a poem that I had read years ago entitled, "When God wants a Man". The main gist of the poem is that when God wants an amazing person he allows them to endure trials. I was comforted in that thought that God was in the process of molding a Katie to 'play the noblest part, [making her] lonely so that only God's high messages shall reach [her].'  

I was patient waiting for God's messages to reach me. As our friendship became one of the best things in my life - I began to have thoughts. Which I abruptly shoved away. Nope nope nope. Nope. I still dated whenever the opportunity came. Heck! I even became brave enough to initiate a couple of them myself. Then this WEIRD thing happened... I started comparing these boys to my boss. So. Weird. Ew! ... but... maybe? No. Not a chance. Am I sure? Possibly... 

Back and forth, back and forth. 

I went back to my list. It had always been trusty! Even if it hadn't been fruitful...

I measured him to my list, and for every way he didn’t match, there was a louder thought in my head... odd.  

• 5 years within my own - age up or down

Definitely not. Nope! Um, but what about age in the eternities? Does it really matter? I guess not.  

• Strong testimony of Christ

Perhaps I ought to have been a little more specific? He believes in God. Though doesn’t belong to my faith. BUT - he LOVES my faith, and is super supportive of it. 

• Can take me to the temple

Another definite no on this one. Then the thought, “So many are sealed to have those marriages sadly fall apart due to one denying their faith and leaving their covenants behind with their beliefs. There’s no guarantee.” Christopher is pretty committed to me. And people change. I worried so much about people looking at me and saying, “ *Gasp* But she served a mission! She should know better!” I did know better - and that’s precisely what gave me the faith to go forward with Christ. 

There were also other curveballs. He had been married before, had a kid, a background of addiction - so much life that I knew I could not relate to. I'd crushed many boys with these in their backgrounds. Granted - it was one or the other. Not ALL of them at once...  Once more that helpful, faithful voice was there, constantly guiding me. Teaching me “If these things are in his past and repented of, then God has forgotten it. Who am I to hold these things above our future potential when so much of us together “clicks” - the ONE element that has been missing in every other failed, though hoped for, relationship? 

Then - the final test - what will my mom think?!? 😵 I hadn’t told anybody - because this was -again- so weird to me. 

I timidly approached my mom about him - about us. I was pleasantly surprised at her delighted response. That was it. He checked out. He had the Mom Approval. Did I mention how surprised I was?? Because I was fully ready to ditch him and back out completely if she thought otherwise.

Doubts came again. "It’ll be hard!" they told me. Yet again, faithful thoughts once more over ruled. I knew it would be hard with ANY one. Two different people meshing lives together? Yeah. That’s gonna be tough. No matter what. Love and commitment. That’s what we can work with and increase. 

It’s now been just over a year. A few days ago Christopher and I had a good conversation on one of our ever - increasing drives up to West Yellowstone. I am so grateful for him and what he has done, who he has become and how we have grown together. He knows me better than anyone (which I sometimes love, and sometimes don't 😉 ) I was right - it has been tough, even super tough sometimes. Yet I am SO happy that he is the one I am sharing my home, life and heart with. I’m grateful for the life he had before I came along so he could learn all the things that make him such a wonderful husband to me now. I stand in awe at the things we have done and built together since we’ve become each other’s “One”. 

We are so different that there’s always something new we can fight about, erm, learn a new perspective on. 😉 We surprisingly balance out each other’s weaknesses with our strengths quite well. Truly a blessing indeed. We only get better together each day.

For all of you that your first list worked - I’m so happy for you. Seriously. I used to be jealous. I wouldn’t trade this learning process and experience for anything. I am grateful that my first list got me started and that in a round about way it put me on track to meet and marry Christopher. Even more so I am grateful for the guidance and influence of the Holy Ghost, giving me strength to forge my own path and toss the old list away in favor of something, someone, so wonderful for me beyond my imagination.